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jumping Jenny skipping along
suddenly felt something was wrong
so to the ground she looked real fast
and insect brown she saw move past
a grasshopper it had to be
with gross long legs and pointed knees
"a bug," she thought, "ew gross, oh no!"
liquid it spit like tobacco
extremely scared of bugs was she
a plan was made so quick-uh-ly
she put that insect on a stick
over the grass she gave a flick
it hopped away til out of sight
(so glad was she, it did not bite!)
back to the rope she went with cheer
no longer worried or in fear
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Jumping jenny 4
Skipping along 4
Suddenly felt 4
Something was wrong 4
To the ground she 4
Looked real fast an 4
Insect brown she 4
Saw move passed 3
A grasshopper it 5
Had to be with 4
Gross long legs and 4
Pointed knees "Ew 4
Gross, oh no!" 3
"A bug," thought she 4
Liquid it spat 4
Like tobacco 4
Extremely scared 4
Of bugs was she 4
A plan she schemed 4
So quick-uh-ly 4
To put that insect 5
On a stick 3
Over the grass 4
Gave it a flick 4
It hopped away till 5
Out of sight 3
So glad was she it 5
Did not bite! 3
Back to the rope she 5
Went with cheer 3
No longer worried 5
Or in fear 3
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Santina, this is a wonderful poem. It tells Jenny’s
story well and gives good insight to her feelings.
You can improve this poem by adding movement
to your syllabic pattern. Whereas you had a constant
8-line format going throughout the poem, the critiqued
version shows how changing that format with the use of
varying syllabic lines can improve the rhythm and add
spice to your poem.
The first two original lines had a nice beat. I split them
into four lines in order to emphasize that beat by
emphasizing the important words in the lines. Namely,
Jumping, Skipping, Suddenly, and Something. Notice
how natural the words flow off your tongue as if they
were meant to be where they are.
Also notice the short 4-syllable line pattern was broken
up with a 3-syllable line before reaching verse 2.
With the exception of lines 1 and 5, verse 2 continues
the 4-syllable pattern. I transposed the order of the
words she thought in order to bring the reader back to
the brown she format you’d established in verse 1 line
3 (Line 7 in the Critiqued version.)
The virtual 4-syllable pattern continues in verse 3 with
the exception of lines 5 and 6. I changed the word made
to schemed because the hard c sound in schemed
coincided with the hard c in the word scared at the end
of line 1 and schemed is a more powerful word than the
word made. Since this is an important moment in the
poem, it’s better to emphasize it using a stronger verb.
I also changed the phrase she gave a to gave it a flick
because the latter phrase is more specific.
Verse four takes on a whole new form as far as the
syllabic pattern is concerned which is great since the
poem climaxed when Jenny flicked the grasshopper
in verse three and began to descend when the
grasshopper hopped away in the top of verse 4. The
syllabic line changes denote Jenny’s relief to be rid
of the bug and back to jumping rope.
Silly Mommy
MyStoriesAndPoems.com
December 29, 2006
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