Original Version

Critiqued Version

 Scared Jenny
By Santina

jumping jenny skipping along

suddenly felt something was wrong

so to the ground she looked real fast

and insect brown she saw move past


a grasshopper it had to be

with gross long legs and pointed knees

"a bug," she thought, "ew gross, oh no!"

 
liquid it spit like tobacco


extremely scared of bugs was she

a plan was made so quick-uh-ly

she put that insect on a stick

over the grass she gave a flick


it hopped away til out of sight

(so glad was she, it did not bite!)

back to the rope she went with cheer

no longer worried or in fear

Jumping jenny             4

Skipping along             4

Suddenly felt                4

Something was wrong   4

To the ground she        4

Looked real fast an      4

Insect brown she         4

Saw move passed       3

A grasshopper it          5

Had to be with             4

Gross long legs and     4

Pointed knees "Ew      4

Gross, oh no!"            3

"A bug," thought she   4

Liquid it spat               4

Like tobacco               4

Extremely scared        4

Of bugs was she         4

A plan she schemed   4

So quick-uh-ly            4

To put that insect      5

On a stick                3

Over the grass          4

Gave it a flick           4


It hopped away till     5

Out of sight              3

So glad was she it    5

Did not bite!             3


Back to the rope she   5

Went with cheer          3

No longer worried        5

Or in fear                   3 

Santina, this is a wonderful poem. It tells Jenny’s story well

and gives good insight to her feelings.

You can improve this poem by adding movement to your

syllabic pattern. Whereas you had a constant 8-line format

going throughout the poem, the critiqued version shows how

changing that format with the use of varying syllabic lines can

improve the rhythm and add spice to your poem.

The first two original lines had a nice beat. I split them into

four lines in order to emphasize that beat by emphasizing the

important words in the lines. Namely, Jumping, Skipping,

Suddenly, and Something. Notice how natural the words flow

off your tongue as if they were meant to be where they are.

Also notice the short 4-syllable line pattern was broken up

with a 3-syllable line before reaching verse 2.

With the exception of lines 1 and 5, verse 2 continues the

4-syllable pattern. I transposed the order of the words she

thought in order to bring the reader back to the brown she

format you’d established in verse 1 line 3 (Line 7 in the

Critiqued version.)

The virtual 4-syllable pattern continues in verse 3 with the

exception of lines 5 and 6. I changed the word made to

schemed because the hard c sound in schemed coincided

with the hard c in the word scared at the end of line 1 and

schemed is a more powerful word than the word made.

Since this is an important moment in the poem, it’s better

to emphasize it using a stronger verb. I also changed the

phrase she gave a to gave it a flick because the latter phrase

is more specific.

Verse four takes on a whole new form as far as the syllabic

pattern is concerned which is great since the poem climaxed

when Jenny flicked the grasshopper in verse three and began

to descend when the grasshopper hopped away in the top of

verse 4. The syllabic line changes denote Jenny’s relief to be

rid of the bug and back to jumping rope.

Silly Mommy
MyStoriesAndPoems.com
December 29, 2006